Matt Bors
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Archive for June, 2008

America’s New Phone Plan!

Cross-posted at the ACLU Blog of Rights.

It’s way better than the old plan our founding fathers set us up with. (You know, the one where warrantless spying wasn’t permitted.)

The FISA Retroactive Immunity Package gives you a sleek new phone, all the free minutes you need and the flexibility the government needs to get around your Fourth Amendment rights. Best of all—NO ROAMING CHARGES, even if you are sent to Gitmo!

Hallmark

Steph McMillan, back from the AAEC convention:

One funny thing I heard was Mike Lester’s response to people who ask him why he never draws positive cartoons: “Those are called greeting cards.”

Nader

Ralph Nader:

“There’s only one thing different about Barack Obama when it comes to being a Democratic presidential candidate. He’s half African-American.”

Grover Norquist:

John Kerry with a tan.”

More of Nader’s insightful comments:

“Whether that will make any difference, I don’t know. I haven’t heard him have a strong crackdown on economic exploitation in the ghettos. Payday loans, predatory lending, asbestos, lead. What’s keeping him from doing that? Is it because he wants to talk white? He doesn’t want to appear like Jesse Jackson? We’ll see all that play out in the next few months and if he gets elected afterwards.”

I also wish Obama would focus harder on poverty. But Ralph Nader playing the race card is probably the most ineffective way on Earth to get him to go about this.

Taking a break from his busy campaign schedule, Nader is now telling a black man he is “talking white” and is afraid to sound like Jesse Jackson (note to all black politicians: you need to sound like Jesse Jackson in order to win). As a black man, you are required to go visit ghettos constantly. Ralph Nader spends a lot of time in them talking to poor people, so just follow his example. Oh, and don’t forget to make asbestos litigation the centerpiece of your national campaign. OK, you’re all set for victory!

Wednesday: Screw the Whales!

Celestial Justice

Appearing today in The Oregonian:

The Oregon-based Followers of Christ Church has been losing a lot of children lately. Primarily because they refuse to take their kids to hospitals–electing instead to stand around, pray, and anoint them with oil. It doesn’t have near the success rate of modern medicine so Clackamas County officials want to press charges against the parents. But why stop there?

Green Lung

From a pack of American Spirits:

Organic tobacco: for the eco-conscious addict.

Basic Instructions

Remember back when detainee abuse could be blamed on a few white trash hicks? We’ve come a long way since then. After torture memos and a high-level meeting on the subject that was attended by almost every major figure in the Bush administration came to light, it’s come to this: A CIA lawyer flew down to Gitmo in 2002 and briefed them on torture. (or if you prefer, “harsh interrogation.) He told them, “If the detainee dies, You’re doing it wrong.”

That’s it. If the heart stops, if the body starts decomposing, you probably messed up. Grab another and try again–until you get it right. Until you figure out how to get them talking without killing them.

Monday: Ralph Nader

Just Say “No”

America, 2008:

Conyers: Could the President order a suspect buried alive?

Yoo: Uh, Mr. Chairman, I don’t think I’ve ever given advice that the President could order someone buried alive. . .

Conyers: I didn’t ask you if you ever gave him advice. I asked you thought the President could order a suspect buried alive.

Yoo: Well Chairman, my view right now is that I don’t think a President . . . no American President would ever have to order that or feel it necessary to order that.

Joel Pett on Obits

Unfortunately, I couldn’t make it to the AAEC convention this year in San Antonio. Besides the beer and conversation there’s a lot of informative panels to check out. Nick Anderson, the President of the organization, had asked me to be on one about obit cartoons. How I would have loved that. But it wasn’t in the cards this year.

Rob Tornoe is down there and posted about the obit panel on his blog. Joel Pett was a panelist:

“Normally, the letters say ‘you suck’, ‘you can’t draw’, ‘who are you related to at the newspaper’,” Pett said. “But when you draw an obit cartoon, suddenly you’re a genius, and the readers love you.”

But Pett was hardest on himself as he showed an obituary cartoon for Barbaro, the famous race horse much beloved in Kentucky.

“In Kentucky, you have no idea how many people loved this,” Pett said of his cartoon featuring Barbaro as a consteliaton in the night sky. “I think it sucks. People loose their jobs in our industry and I do this shit?”

“I guess you really can beat a dead horse.”

Gallo Alert!

I spotted this back cover ad in the latest issue of Radar.

Nothing quite says “go buy Vodka–specifically Belvedere Vodka!” like Vincent Gallo staring at you.

Carlin Cartoons

I was really not planning on commenting on the George Carlin obits, but I have to chime in for just a second. Many have the identical wording “You can’t say those seven words here either, Mr. Carlin” while standing at the Pearly Gates and it’s kind of embarrassing. Do we need to go through this shit every two weeks?

I’m not going to expend the energy it would take to post and ridicule them, but head over to Cagle’s blog to see some of the worst. He sent out an e-mail to the artists that drew them and asked why they would put an outspoken atheist in Heaven. It’s interesting to see some of their replies.

Cagle writes:

When I was on my recent speaking tour of China, I showed a bunch of Pearly gate cartoons (I’ve drawn my share of Pearly Gates cartoons, too). Often a question would come form the audience, “Are you a Christian?” I would reply, “I’m not much of anything.” And the questioner would reply, “No, no, I think you are a Christian.”

Many of the artists who respond aren’t religious either and yet they continue to pump out these horribly unoriginal cartoons for dead people who aren’t even Christian. It’s like a profession-wide pathology. Anything resembling a tribute to Carlin that is taking place at the Pearly Gates would have to be ironic and feature George making some comment about the large amount of BS religion is based on. Otherwise, slapping a celebrity with their most famous line along side them isn’t endearing–it’s crap.

(Kevin Moore had the most respectable one I’ve seen.)

Shoulda Woulda Coulda

I love how everyone’s an energy expert on global oil markets all of a sudden.

Perhaps drilling a well off of every coast continuously for the last twenty years would have resulted in cheaper gas today. Of course, if conservatives hadn’t opposed conservation, urban planning, higher gas mileage standards, and alternative energy, maybe we’d be even better off at the pump.

Me, I blame the papacy. If those assholes hadn’t impeded science we would already be a green country and Barack Obama and John McCain would have one less thing to bitch about.

Parenting

Based on a true story.

Wednesday: Gas Price Blame Game

bors

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